


Crashing

by DayDreamCarnival



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Healing, Hurt, M/M, Making Up, Rejection, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25218184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DayDreamCarnival/pseuds/DayDreamCarnival
Summary: It's been two months and he still is crying over it.
Relationships: Isara Mao/Sakuma Ritsu
Comments: 14
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

A sigh in an else quiet room.  
Sheets ruffling from movement.  
Another sigh.

  
It's been two months, time really is just flying by. Two months since this room feels awfully cold and lonely, more so than usual. The pictures aren't hung up anymore, some frames lying in the corner, glass broken or cracked.  
He should pick them up probably before one of his dorm mates complain though, they've been sitting there for some time now. Maybe they haven't said something because they're rarely there to begin with. He can't motivate himself to do it either.

  
Turning around to press his face further into the pillow, he turned into a makeshift object for hugging, he tightens his hold on it, already feeling tears well up again. It's been two months and he still cries over it, unable to let go while everybody easily moves on. Maybe because it doesn't really affect them. Why should they care. He can feel a sob stuck in his throat, feeling suffocating. He presses his face further into the pillow, hides himself in it as if it would offer some kind of protection.

  
It's been two months since Ritsu left him. Two months since Ritsu had enough and snapped at him, told him to get lost. His childhood friend never spoke this coldly to him and it probably would hurt less if it weren't for the fact that he did so right after Mao confessed to him. Maybe it would hurt the same as when he didn't. Maybe he used the wrong words, said something so ridiculous. He was sure Ritsu would return his feelings but maybe he misunderstood something. Maybe he took too long to figure himself out and Ritsu simply couldn't endure it any longer or no longer liked him that way. Crushes do disappear, why should Ritsu be an exception?

  
Everyone was encouraging him to do it, were they all aware that Ritsu would hate him for it? ... did they gang up on him?

  
Shaking his head Mao sighs shakily. He's gotten a lot better with his self doubt but it does keep bubbling up. He's a people pleaser after all, just wanting to make everyone happy, find a solution for everything but sometimes there simply isn't any. And there's especially none to get Ritsu back. They can be friends again, he said, he doesn't have to return his feelings. It's a little gross he guesses, he said, so it's alright if they stay friends.  
Now thinking about it, maybe it really was rude to call it gross to be in love with Ritsu. But that's not what he meant. He knows how people are, knows how they react, it really was just an attempt to lighten the mood in case Ritsu would reject him, back paddling to get to the starting point. In the end it just made it worse and now it's been two months since the incident. Ritsu hasn't talked to him ever since, glaring at him at most when they cross paths. He's pretty good at glaring and even better at ignoring. At first Mao sent messages, asking to meet him somewhere so he could apologize but he'd spent hours at the place with no one ever coming. No answer. He tried to call but Ritsu would either not pick up or directly dismiss the call. He'd send messages only to someday realize that he must've blocked his number. Did he really mess up this badly?

  
Mao rolls on his back, pillow still clutched tightly to his chest. The dorm room is pitch black except for some light peeking through from the outside underneath the door and the slightest bit of moonlight the comes through the curtains. It makes Mao try to close them further but they tried that numerous times. Maybe he should takes his hair pins and try to close them further. He would have to get up though and Mao simply doesn't find the strength in himself for that. No one else beside him is in this room right now, Shu and Izumi already abroad again and Kuro... somewhere, he guesses. Probably still at training with Akatsuki. He hopes it will continue for a while longer, right now is a bad time to come in. He's sure his eyes are red and puffy, it at least feels that way. His bangs are stuck to his face but he couldn't care less at the moment. He's a mess right now so looking like one should be appropriate.

  
No one in Trickstar talks about it, he's glad about that. No one asked him how he's doing but maybe because no one knows. No one needs to know in the first place. It's embarrassing.  
It took him so long to come to terms with himself and now... he's back to the start of confusion. Were his feelings not genuine enough he finds himself asking a lot. Maybe... he just isn't made for things like love. But that wouldn't save what he and Ritsu had.

  
Hugging his pillow tighter again Mao rolls on his side. He misses Ritsu badly. Ritsu always took his worries away, made him feel less insecure, made him become brave. But Ritsu won't do that anymore. Ritsu will do that to someone else maybe. Not him. He did mention that he found a liking to someone but Mao dumbly assumed it was about him. How naïve of him, now that he thinks about it.  
When in public Mao puts on his cheery mask, he doesn't want to worry anyone over himself, that's not worth it. Everyone has their fair share on their plate already, something like that isn't worth worrying other over. It's his own problem.

  
His own problem he just wants to fix.  
Even if Ritsu stops being his friend he just wants him to stop glaring at him, ignoring him. He selfishly wants to be called Maa-kun again but Ritsu stopped that long ago as well. He never thought it would bother him so much but maybe that's how it felt when he stopped using "Ritchan".

  
It's been two months and he still hasn't recovered from losing his childhood friend. And he can't even find himself to hate him. Because it's not his fault but Maos for not being able to realize his feelings for Ritsu and return them to him before they would slip away from his reach, never coming back. It's too late for that now.


	2. Stitching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> »Maa-kun and I are always together~«
> 
> That's what he said.

_»Maa-kun and I are always together~«_ That's what he said.

Of course Ritsu and him couldn't suddenly stop being "the inseparable childhood friends" to fans out of the blue. But that they had to put both of them into a TV interview, that they had to pretend live that everything was fine. It was hard from the beginning. Mao still is hurting but apparently Ritsu has no trouble acting like nothing happened between them until commercial break. He'd then wordlessly get up and leave to wherever, Mao looking after him with a heavy heart. He really tried not to show his hurt, their fans aren't really interested in such things right? They want to see both of them, acting all buddy-buddy, acting like... they're always together.

He was sure he'd make it through till the end, that he could put on a brave face and act as always with Ritsu, calling him "Ritchan" with a shaking voice. But when Ritsu said that... it broke him. He really couldn't stop the tears welling up in his eyes as he blankly stared at the floor, clutching his pants tightly, lips pressed together as if it would really help stopping his tears. He can't cry right now, if they ask him something his voice would betray him. Mao was desperately waiting to the show to end so he could finally get away. Does Ritsu know how much saying something like that hurts? They haven't talked in forever and suddenly he calls him "Maa-kun", clings to his arms and teases him just like back then. It leaves Mao insecure, he doesn't know how to act around him. It's just for show, he tells himself, Ritsu is leaving as soon as he's able to, but of course his stupid heart can't help but hope for at least some small interaction off-camera. Just a "good job" or "we did well", something.

But none came.

Ritsu simply grabbed his bag and belongings, thanked the staff, did the usual "good work" and then left. Not a single word spoken to him. Well... not like he had a chance to begin with. Maybe Ritsu is grossed out now because he knows Mao was crushing on him. But wouldn't that be hypocritical? Ritsu was crushing on him before - or was he? Mao honestly doesn't know anymore. At this point who knows what Ritsu really felt, maybe all that flirting really was just teasing between friends. Shouldering his bag Mao as well leaves shortly after, thanking everyone he hasn't already on his way out.

It's late at night, the moon up and the air a bit chilly. Mao stares into the sky for a moment, taking a deep breathe to calm his nerves a little before making his way back. He honestly could just drop into his bed, today was especially exhausting with how he had to pretend that everything was fine between him and Ritsu. Seriously, shouldn't he be over it now? He asks himself that a lot but it's not helping. He's known Ritsu for years, it truly feels like a part of him is missing now that he is gone. He could get over his crush, at least he tells himself that, if only it would bring Ritsu back to, if only they could be best friends again. 

Is Ritsu also hurting? He doesn't know.

He doesn't seem like he's hurting or he's hiding it. Pushing his hands more into his pockets Mao frowns a little. He used to be better at reading Ritsu. It bothers him even though it doesn't have to. Not like he needs to read Ritsu like an open book ever again, right? Right... He's still ignoring him. His heart is painfully clenching at that thought again so he slows his walking a little until he's standing. To be honest he doesn't want to arrive at the dorms, fearing he might run into Ritsu there. What is he so scared of? Honestly what kind of guy is he? He should be more brave, he needs to be more brave. More confident. If not for himself then for Trickstar, for everyone else–

»Mao.«

The shriek that escaped Maos lips certainly was... embarrassing. He shrunk together, almost dropped his bag and basically looked like a deer caught in the headlights. That certainly really crumbled the last bit of "looking brave". But more important, who just scared him to almost death?

Blinking through the darkness the lantern thankfully help him make out some shapes until he can clearly see that it's no one else but Ritsu standing there, leaned against the brick wall, hands pushed into his pants pockets.

Now what would he want from him? Subconsciously Mao already leans a bit back, trying to bring distance between them. He can't bear any more painful words from his mouth, he doesn't even want to talk anymore now that he's standing before him. To be honest right now Mao would rather hide. Since when is he that intimidated by anyone, by Ritsu out of all people. He doesn't want to be scared of Ritsu. No, he isn't scared of him. Standing a bit taller he finally answers him. »What is it.«

Ah. Damn. That sounded way too annoyed, way too harsh. But he can't find the strength to correct himself so he just waits for Ritsu to tell him. Instead he just watches his former friend walk towards him, grab him by the arm and drag him after him. He truly hates when Ritsu does that, he did so often in the past, always making Mao almost stumble and fall. He will never get over how strong Ritsu is despite his appearance, honestly, it's surreal. So trying to catch up with him he finally rips his arm away, asks him where they're heading as he walks beside him. »Somewhere.« is what Ritsu answers but it doesn't really give him any clue just where they are heading. Does he just want to walk with him? Maybe.

Maybe he wants to talk?

Mao shakes those thoughts away, there's no way he would want that. It's been months after all, this is the most interaction they had since the incident. So Mao will take it. However it doesn't feel as calm and nice as he wishes it would, his nerves are running high, wondering what Ritsu might do. His gaze flickers to him again and again, anxiously waiting for him to start talking. 

It takes almost 10 minutes of walking in the cold when Ritsu starts talking again. Maos hands are freezing and knowing Ritsu he figures he isn't in a better shape. »I want to apologize."

Huh?

Ritsu wants to apologize?

For what?

»I acted like an asshole back then. I shouldn't have been so harsh to you.« Ritsus voice sounds strained, like he has to force himself to talk. Maybe he is. But Mao won't comment on it, he will let Ritsu talk. If he talks he might mess up again and he feels like if he does so now, it might ruin his only chance of maybe slightly making up, getting on better terms. »I guess I was frustrated. I've been patient for a while after all.«

Mao has to smile a little, Ritsu still is just as bratty. Under usual circumstances he'd probably retort that Mao is the one being patient with him all the time but maybe Ritsu is right. »And I was hurt. Telling me that it's gross, that was the worst.«

So that did hurt him.... Mao figured that already. He didn't mean it that way but getting into self defense mode really isn't appropriate right now. Dropping his gaze to his shoes Mao finds himself nodding softly, whispering »sorry« barely audible.

They continue walking for a moment, not a word spoken between them. 

»Do you really think it's gross to be in love with your own gender? With me?« Ritsu sounds so fragile right now, it makes Mao want to hug him, comfort him. »Not at all...«, is what he answers instead. Swallowing the lump in his throat he tries again. »I don't think it's gross. Nor are you gross. To be honest I really just didn't know what to do. I never felt anything lkke that for anyone, I don't know if I like girls or boys, I don't know if I like being that way-« He's rambling, he knows he is, but he can't stop. It's like a snowball rolling down the hill, getting bigger and bigger. »I never wanted something like that and I never felt like that before, all I know is that-« he stops himself in time, stopping in his tracks.

What does he want? Even Ritsu is looking at him curiously now. He wants him to call him "Maa-kun" again. He wants Ritsu to hold his hand again when it's cold outside. He wants them to tease and make fun of each other again. Wants them to act silly and carefree again even though they should act more grown up. He wants to talk to him deep into the night about all kinds of theories and stories.

»I want us to be friends again.«

Mao cringes at how weak his voice sounds, how weak he feels. His voice sounds terrible, as if he'd cry any second and he honestly feels like that as well. If Ritsu has no feelings for him then that's fine. But he can't endure being ignored by him. »It's fine if you-«

»Maa-kun...«

That sob makes Mao look up. Ritsu is crying? Wait Ritsu called him Maa-kun. Wait Ritsu is crying?!

Ritsu is standing across from him, shaking all over, eyes glossy and face contorted into a frown as big tears roll down his cheeks. Ah... Ritsu must've been hurting as well, huh...? Or did he mess up again? No, no, no he can't mess up again, he has to do something!

But before he could even open his mouth he is pulled into a tight hug. »You're an idiot«, is all he hears before Ritsu breaks into a sob. Hesitantly, carefully Mao then moves to lightly place his arms around him as well. Does that mean Ritsu also wants that...? He doesn't know. What is he supposed to make out of this situation? »I don't like ignoring you...« »Then why did you...«

Mao couldn't help but asking. It hurt to get treated like air by him. So many nights he's spent crying because of it, even if it's embarrassing to admit.

»I didn't want you to say even more hurtful things.«

Well. That makes sense. Just like him Ritsu tried to protect himself from getting hurt. »At first I was pretty angry at you for what you said. I didn't want you to make more fun of my feelings-« »I never did!«

Ritsu is pouting at him now from his outburst. Ah, he needs to say something. »I wasn't making fun of you. I was just as scared that you'd think weirdly of me... You know how people are...«

Ritsu just humms softly, still hugging him. It must've been a few minutes already. Usually hugs don't last that long but neither of them dare to move. They'requiet again, cheeks leaned against either ones shoulder. »I don't hate you, Maa-kun...« »I don't hate you either, Ritchan...«

Mao doesn't know when it happened but he finds their pinkies linked together, something they've been doing a lot in the past. As if discreetly holding hands. And it's almost as if he knows that they're going to be okay again. No matter what path they're taking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't endure it haha.  
> I made it kind of open end, however you would like them continue. Rtmos are good in every form imo, I truly like them even if just platonic!

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, well, you see. Sometimes it gotta hurt.
> 
> Idk if I should add a part two & stitch them together again bc it hurts me just as much haha


End file.
